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Rules for Rock & Rollers
Over the years I have silently learned my lessons as well as observed my fellow musicians as I banged away from my little perch and taken mental notes of what I've seen and heard.
So now I share some of what I've learned from my experiences with all you inspiring future Rock Legends.
(Drummers pay special attention!)
* First and foremost, the reason there are so many "Drummer Jokes" is because drummers really are certifiably crazy!
* Drummers are the only ones allowed to play wearing shorts (and that's barely okay)
* The drummer is the only one allowed to wear bandannas on stage. Especially if he has a full beard and hits his snare like a Hell's Angel hits a hippy with a pool cue.
* If your one of those drummers who set-up at the front of the stage, back the hell up!
You are the goalies of rock...play you position!.......Phil Collins you ain't!
* Never put anything thrown on stage in your mouth.
* For all there pretentiousness, anyone wearing a fur coat on stage should be set on fire!
* The amount of animal prints worn by a girl in the band is proportional to how insane she is.
* Never have more pieces to your drum kit than you have teeth.
* Find out something that your drummer likes and make sure he gets it regularly. Yes drummers are poorly evolved creatures, but if you don't have a good drummer who's happy, your screwed!
* Burn this word into your brain. JAILBAIT
* Turntables are not, nor have they ever been a musical instrument.
* If you get a drum stick endorsement, don't take one of those lame promo photos acting like your biting them in half.
* No drum gloves. If you can't hold on to your sticks, you may want to rethink the "playing" part of playing drums.
* There are only five guitar players in the world who need to change set-ups more than once per set. You're not one of them.
* All the tuning, noise, and riffs that you believe to be original aren't. There's absolutely nothing new you can do with a guitar at this stage in rock's evolution.
* If you can't hear yourself in the monitor, that should be a big hint!
* Drummers should never touch the guitars. Never!
* No matter how crazy, wild or interesting your band is, there is always a band in Japan doing the same thing and makes you guys look like your standing still!
* Don't smoke when your actively playing your instrument on stage. Many have tried before you and failed to make it look cool!
* All true blues-men should have "Blind" or "Big" before their name.
* Rhythm guitar players should always look like they want to be somewhere else.
* At no time should Peavey amplifiers be used as anything but a place to put drinks and guitar picks.
* Boiling your strings may make them sound better, but it also makes you sound cheap.
* If you play bass, you're probably the most musically educated member of the band. However, unless you're also singing or your bass-player style has you jumping across the stage, shut up and go back and stand by the drummer!
* Never yell at your stage crew; they have the power to pull the plug on any of you, at anytime.
* Singers who tell the audience to "give it up for yourselves" should be attacked by hyenas!
* Although your vocal coach showed you how to look cool onstage by grabbing the mic with both hands, reconsider that image.
* Your voice is your instrument. Practice and take care of it. You don't see drummers pouring beer on their drum heads and using the kick drum as a bong, so don't do the same thing with your vocal chords.
* Vocalist with British accents should be from Britain. Vocalist with southern accents should be from the south! No one should sound like they're from Jamaica.
* Only lead singers are allowed to handle snakes.
* Singers should always have enough peripheral vision so that you don't get in the way of the real musicians.
* Drummers should always laugh boisterously (while secretly piloting revenge) as the singer tells drummer jokes on stage.
* Always prank the band your on the road with. If you don't have a sense of humor, you"ll never survive.
* If you want to get out of driving the night shift on the tour bus, wait untill everyone is asleep, slam on the brakes, then announce to everyone your're dozing off and afraid you'll kill everybody. Their hearts will be racing and someone will be wide-awake enough to drive for you...nite night.
* Remember, duct tape is a touring musicians best friend.
* The worst toilet paper in America is always better than the best in Europe. It's best to bring your own. Especially to Germany.
* Never ask a venue about booking another show while a member of your band is being escorted out by security.
* While on stage, keep your stupid social and political view's to yourself. They paid to hear your music. Save the squirrels on your own time.
* No song in the history of rock has ever required a keyboard player to drag their hands back across the keys. Ever!
* Studio Engineers have bad taste. In everything.
* Never hire an engineer that wears flip flops and black socks!
* Never have your lyrics ready before you go into the studio. Spend extra money on studio time trying to come up with clever rhymes.
* Make sure everyone shows up for recording sessions well feed. Widely ranging blood sugar levels make for the worst possible mixtures.
* If you can't hum the melody to the song you wrote, it has to many notes.
* There is no such thing as a one take wonder. (believe me on this one)
* No overdubbing two drums sets or drum takes by a single drummer. It always sound like a bag of puppies thrown down the stairs.
* Never let your band mates have a farting contest on the control room couch that one of you will be spending the night.
* Never ever let the drummer write a song or do anything other than drum. Ever!
* If you appear on NPR in any way, you don't rock. Not even a little.
* Before signing with a record label, know there is nothing more embarrassing than
a " meet and greet" with local radio station goobers.
* Never work with entertainment lawyers who smoothly slip you business cards as they skake your hand. Actually, never work directly with lawyers unless it's an absolutely must. They are the exact combination of shark and turd.
* Never be afraid to call it quits. More often then not...the sooner the better!
* Never say " When I grow up, I want to be in a rock band ". Why?
Because you can't do both!
